Guest Post: MatrixTransform – A Calibrated Response


New science has prompted a recalibration of the Rulz …

Travel restrictions will be tweaked from 5km to 6.318km.

The new allowable distance is more finely tuned and accurate to a metre (must be measured from your mailbox)

Large construction sites must now reduce staff to 24.8%, revised down from 25%

You’re not allowed visitors to your home — except your intimate partner.

If you live alone, you can now form a bubble with 1.13 persons.

Essential retail can open as long as there are no more than 1.31 persons per 5.24 square metres.

Other/general retail can only open only for contactless click and collect.

The curfew in place will be adjusted and operate from 9:21:38s pm to 5:05:11s am each day. Daylight savings will be abandoned this year to avoid further confusion.

During the lockdown period, weddings are not allowed unless for end of life or deportation reasons.

Attendees are limited to between 5.00 and 5.99 people, including the 2 people being married, the celebrant, 2 witnesses and the (potential) foetus.

Clarification:

Funerals are allowed with no more than 10 people, plus those necessary to conduct the funeral.

The difference between a Marriage and a Funeral is the date on the death certificate

Duh

… and the AFL can do whatever it damned well wants because…money science

-Signed Dept of Highly Heuristic Stuff (DHHS)  — Keeping you safer … we are all scientists now


10 responses to “Guest Post: MatrixTransform – A Calibrated Response”

  1. Ellen of Tasmania Avatar
    Ellen of Tasmania

    Is the truckie-strike still going ahead, tomorrow?

  2. Bruce of Newcastle Avatar
    Bruce of Newcastle

    You’ve captured the anal stupidity very nicely Mater. The restrictions being invented by these people are so micromanaged and so inane. In most cases they are completely useless and indeed are immensely harmful: much worse than the disease.

    I’m back from the shops, which is now a chore I detest. It makes me feel depressed. And if I find I feel like that I can only imagine how hard it is on more mentally fragile people. It pounds on your psyche. I was musing to myself that at least the Soviets and East Germans didn’t track your every move and restrict you to within 5 km of your house.

    I snorted at this headline in the Tele this morning:

    ‘We don’t know why’: Child suicide rates double (DT, paywalled)

    Thus they prove they are incompetent and despicable. It’s as obvious as anything is under the sun.

  3. Shy Ted Avatar
    Shy Ted

    If we’re going out for a pie can we go more than 3.14159km? ?
    Truck strike seems to be on, then off. Just down the road from me. Doesn’t look on but don’t quote me on that.

  4. Old bloke Avatar
    Old bloke

    Does the 10 persons limit for a funeral include the deceased?

  5. cuckoo Avatar
    cuckoo

    But what about the chocolate ration?

  6. a reader Avatar
    a reader

    Fact check: Accurate

  7. 132andBush Avatar
    132andBush

    I’ve heard the “masked when standing but not when sitting eating/drinking” rule is to be relaxed when pubs and clubs are allowed to open.(again).

    Word is we’ll be allowed to stand sans mask while having a drink.
    No verbal communication.
    Telepathy, sign language and coded eye blinking are allowed.

  8. cuckoo Avatar
    cuckoo

    My local shopping strip was plastered last Friday night – during lockdown presumably – with professionally produced posters saying ‘Visit Victoria’ and showing a modified Stalinist propaganda poster with Andrews’ head in place of Stalin’s, holding a joyful child aloft. An outfit named Caldron Pool were responsible – I’d never heard of them but they’re online. The posters were all gone by next day, presumably removed not by Andrews’ bullyboys but rather by nervous shopkeepers afraid of guilt by association.

  9. MatrixTransform Avatar
    MatrixTransform

    But what about the chocolate ration?

    for now, frozen yoghurt and donut shops are open
    Osteopaths must close, and
    dentists are not allowed to do cleans

    sorry, we are doing all we can to this right.

  10. parde Avatar

    brothels could supply chocolate

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