Guest Post: Mem – Taking the piss out of cows


I read yesterday in The Conversation, that we are to toilet train cows for the benefit of the environment.

Now, I come off a farm where we ran 200 milking cows and a roll over of 200 fattening black angus vealers for the meat industry. These guys actually think that spending 15 hours per beast training and putting in specialist urinal yards is even viable? What planet do they live on. It reminds me of the book  “Gulliver’s Travels” by the wonderful Jonathon Swift, in particular, this passage:

“Extracting Sunbeams Out Of Cucumbers”

Context: Lemuel Gulliver visits the land of Balnibarbi, where people insist on doing everything in an impractical fashion. Those few who wish to use common sense in their activities are forced by social and political pressure to conform to the impractical. The epitome of the attitudes of the people of the land is found in the Grand Academy at the capital city of Lagado. At the academy Gulliver sees all sorts of experimentation going on. The most striking aspect of the projects is their absurdity, the second is that they all require a constant flow of money, like modern research and development projects. Swift is not satirizing only general impracticality; he is also hitting some of the contemporary follies of the British Royal Academy, whose membership sometimes indulged in activities that Swift, at least, did not approve.

The first projector Gulliver meets at the Grand Academy of Lagado is typical of them all:

. . . He had been eight years upon a project for extracting sunbeams out of cucumbers, which were to be put in vials hermetically sealed, and let out to warm the air in raw inclement summers. He told me, he did not doubt in eight years more, that he should be able to supply the Governor’s gardens with sunshine at a reasonable rate; but he complained that his stock was low . . . since this had been a very dear season for cucumbers. I made him a small present.

22 thoughts on “Guest Post: Mem – Taking the piss out of cows”

  1. BUY BRITISH Back British farmers… or I will have to put corks in my cows’ a*ses, says Jeremy Clarkson

    Surrounded by his grazing cattle, Sun columnist Jeremy’s brow furrows as he outlines the red tape that is tying his farm, Diddly Squat, in bureaucratic knots.

    Take his shorthorn cows’ muck — which his newly-acquired 19-strong herd are producing in big quantities.

    One Government department, he says, encourages him to use it to fertilise the land, while another official body wants to ban him from doing it where it might pollute the water supply.

    “What do I do then?” Jeremy wails in exasperation. “Put corks in the cows’ a*ses?”

    The “ridiculous levels of legislation” are one reason why he is an outspoken supporter of today’s Back British Farming Day.

    Teaming up with the National Farmers’ Union (NFU), Jeremy wants the Government to commit to Britain remaining at least 60 per cent self-sufficient in food. It has slipped from nearly 80 per cent in the 1980s.

    Helping to launch the NFU’s new Food Report, Jeremy is also asking shoppers to buy British products, which he insists are better quality and greener.


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  2. We managed to toilet train cows (and they learned faster than a toddler). It could help combat climate change

    These fucking idiots actually believe that training a cow to piss in a certain spot will change the weather.

    Absolutely bonkers. Stark. Raving. Mad.


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  3. Arky says:
    September 16, 2021 at 11:26 am
    The whole beauty of being a cow is that you can go anywhere, anytime with no regard for who’s in the way. Not even the poor sod putting the cups on.

    Indeed, Arky!

    A childhood on a dairy farm, where every kid is fully involved in the work, prepares one for a lifetime of being able to recognise the early signs of incoming cow sh*t – and more importantly, signs of incoming bullsh*t, particularly of the government variety.

    Hosing and pushing each milking’s manure output down the drain was good training for ridding our lives of the more odiferous kind generated these days. We just need a much bigger hose and a lot more bash-brooms now.


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  4. JFC.
    One idiot, when it was pointed out that this would lead to lower occupancy rates of cows on land, blithely pointed out that his would lead to lower costs.

    This is of course assuming that every farmer just loves adding costs for no additional return and that she, with her 0 experience and negative intellect had worked out an alternative equilibrium that delivered the same ROI.

    And it (likely dishonestly and massively so) ignoring that a reduced occupancy rate would lead to green groups complaining more about the inefficient use of land.


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  5. I’ve always liked Clarkson because he is often afraid to call out morons (although he’s not my conervative-libertarian hero by any measure). Since he has taken up this farming thing genuinely (the TV show was not the reason for it) he’s probably doing more good for British agriculture than any person in the last 50 years.

    In NZ there is an organisation called Groundswell NZ which is fighting back against the same sort of bullshit as Clarkson that is being imposed by that prize loon Saint Jarcinda. They’re are going to have an enormous protest on 21/11. Should be very interesting to see how she reacts


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  6. The whole beauty of being a cow is that you can go anywhere, anytime with no regard for who’s in the way. Not even the poor sod putting the cups on.

    Heh,
    After putting in an allnighter and going straight to “Dairy” for farm prac.
    Lowered reaction times due to a developing hangover was always a challenge.

    Back when Hally’s Comet was last in the neighbourhood.
    Good times.


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  7. On a serious note though.

    Cows constantly walking to a designated toilet will lead to well worn and compacted tracks through paddocks which means erosion and barren, unproductive soil.
    Also, feed conversion ratio will literally shit itself as animals expend precious energy walking to and from the outhouse.

    Could be good for parasite control though.
    The dung beetle union has yet to comment.


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  8. 132andBushsays:
    September 16, 2021 at 3:16 pm
    On a serious note though.

    Cows constantly walking to a designated toilet will lead to well worn and compacted tracks through paddocks which means erosion and barren, unproductive soil.

    Response from the Slime: “Environmental degradation, the only thing to do is cease all cattle farming, both dairy and beef.”


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  9. Cattle are a closed system. Food goes in one end and comes out the other as fertiliser. The fertiliser improves the soil organically and sustains the next lot of food.

    Rinse and repeat.

    You’d think greenies would love it. They’re just so hard to please – maybe throw some toys at them to keep them occupied while real people get on with real work.


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  10. problem of fentanyl & other drugs used by the Cartels, Chinese Mafia, “Others”*cough* Frankie Baby & Co.*cough*, and the rest, to cripple once sound Nations.

    Who is ‘Frankie Baby & Co’?

    You wouldn’t by any chance be claiming that the Catholic Church is in the business of destroying lives by being an active part of the illicit drug trade?


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  11. callisays:
    September 16, 2021 at 4:59 pm
    Cattle are a closed system. Food goes in one end and comes out the other as fertiliser. The fertiliser improves the soil organically and sustains the next lot of food.

    Rinse and repeat.

    You’d think greenies would love it. They’re just so hard to please – maybe throw some toys at them to keep them occupied while real people get on with real work.

    Indeed, a model of organic farming. I thought the Slime were keen on that?


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  12. In NZ there is an organisation called Groundswell NZ which is fighting back against the same sort of bullshit as Clarkson that is being imposed by that prize loon Saint Jarcinda. They’re are going to have an enormous protest on 21/11. Should be very interesting to see how she reacts

    She’ll likely outlaw them.


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  13. the Slime: “Environmental degradation, the only thing to do is cease all cattle farming, both dairy and beef.”

    Which is those insane animist imbeciles’ ultimate goal anyway. It’s hardly a secret.
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  14. the Slime: “Environmental degradation, the only thing to do is cease all cattle farming, both dairy and beef.”

    Which is those insane animist imbeciles’ ultimate goal anyway. It’s hardly a secret.

    P.S. Dover – please ignore the previous (moderated) comment, I’m on a new laptop and forgot which email address was the correct one.


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  15. In NZ there is an organisation called Groundswell NZ which is fighting back against the same sort of bullshit as Clarkson that is being imposed by that prize loon Saint Jarcinda. They’re are going to have an enormous protest on 21/11. Should be very interesting to see how she reacts

    Over here, at least in Qld, we have AgForce and the Greenshirts Movement. The latter in particular has been a keen supporter of Prof Peter Ridd, and the fight against the insane “Reef Regulations” that, as usual for any Qld govt edict aimed at either agriculture or fisheries, seems designed to increase workload and reduce output.


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  16. Nothing documents the sad decline in standards and thinking of Australian university “research” and academia better than “The Conversation”.
    moderated

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