PM Mandates Military Service

By political editor Tow Mater in Canberra

Posted 3 hours ago, updated 2 hours ago

Strong Leadership: PM Announces new scheme

Fresh from saving Australia from Armageddon in Glasgow, the Prime Minister yesterday announced the re-establishment of National Military Service, with the call up of all eligible individuals between 12 to 59 years of age.

“In light of, and in response to, the increasing threat of the Chinese within the Asia Pacific region, it behoves us to band together to discourage this scourge.”, he declared yesterday from Canberra yesterday. “No sacrifice is too great”.

Questioned yesterday as to the reasoning behind the re-establishment of such a long-absent scheme, one seen as so unpopular when it was abolished nearly 50 years ago, the Prime Minister seemed bewildered.

“I don’t think the scheme will be unpopular. We have taken our lead from the response to our vaccination program and the currently trending #withfreedomcomesresponsibility”, he responded.

“The Australian people clearly understand their civic duty, accept that we are all in this together, and understand that incursions into individual liberty and the curtailment of rights are a necessary, appropriate and proportional response to existential threats…as defined by us, your leaders.”

“Besides”, he continued, from the steps of Parliament, “Unlike the schemes of last century, this is not compulsory military service, it’s mandatory military service. It’ll be as mandatory as we can make it, but it’s not compulsory”.

“Individuals will have the right not to participate, it’ll just mean that they won’t be allowed to participate in the society that they declined to defend.”

Details accompanying yesterday’s announcement outlined plans to deny the so-called “Conscription Hesitant” the ability to work, use government facilities or mingle in polite society. Whether or not to allow them to receive medical treatment in person, is still undecided and with be discussed further in Cabinet later this week.

“The exact details are unimportant to discuss here, those affected will find out when they next try to use their QR code”, the Prime Minister was at pains to add. “The rest need not concern themselves with it.”

Quizzed about the rationale of including individuals as young as 12, the PM continued to draw on the Covid response for justification.

“In accepting people as young as 12 years of age making their own health decisions outside of parental control, the Australian public has clearly demonstrated a willingness to accept the maturity of these young adults. The freedoms imparted to these individuals come with the clear responsibility to defend them.”

“As for calling up anyone, up and including 59 years of age, no sacrifice is too great to defend the 60+ demographic. Having been raised in times before helmet laws, seat belt requirements and universal health care, such deprivations and risks need to be repaid by society through the provision of a long, comfortable, risk-free, and unimpeded retirement”.

“Besides, such service is only likely to be for two years and staying apart helps keep us together.” He reassured Australians.

Further questioned about the morality of potentially sending such youth to war, he responded simply by saying; “If it saves just one life, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make”.

Asked for comment, leading industry bodies, NGO’s and not-for-profits all seemed as one in calling it “a proportional and justified response to the greatest threat to Australians since March 2020”.

Initial community trepidation about the announcement was replaced by widespread support when the Deputy Prime Minister later clarified that the initial eligibility for call up would be limited to the ‘unvaccinated’.

Widespread sentiment was largely synonymous with those expressed by vaccinated, unemployed potential rapper, Dylan Mosley (age 25) when he was interviewed by this reporter yesterday afternoon.

“Fuck’em! I’ve done the heavy lifting during the Covid crisis, and these guys did nuffin. ‘Bout time they contributed. Service guarantees citizenship, ya know!”

In response to this latest move by the Australian Government, the Chinese government immediately made representations to the United Nations.

“Plans to enlist the ‘unvaccinated’ represents a clear violation of the Biological Weapons Convention (BWC) and would most certainly breach the 1925 Geneva Protocol if such assets were deployed” protested the Chinese Minister for National Defence.

33 responses to “PM Mandates Military Service”

  1. rickw Avatar

    Well said!

  2. Bruce of Newcastle Avatar
    Bruce of Newcastle

    After that he should announce the Australian Covid Party, ACP, where all members must be vaccinated and which would be the sole party of government with permanent emergency powers. Then the most important Covid rules could be put into a small book with a red cover to signify their urgency, which would be taught in schools and recited each day by everyone.

  3. caveman Avatar

    Asked to defend your country in return for limited freedoms and future lockdowns. Sounds like a deal,not.

  4. 132andBush Avatar

    What the hell do you mean “parody”?!

  5. Mater Avatar

    What the hell do you mean “parody”?!


  6. Vicki Avatar

    Brilliant! When I first started reading it, I thought , “S…..t! So this is next!”

    Great satire, as it should be – with the sense of truth & possibility at it’s core”.

    Fantastic – & damn it, it is written I. His speaking style! Really well done.

  7. FlyingPigs Avatar

    The Un-Vaxxed are our strength!

  8. Winston Smith Avatar

    My first reaction was to splutter helplessly into my croissant and demi semi goats milk latte, then I thought “He’s right, you know. I can think of several people who would be suited to implementing a glorious adventure somewhere that isn’t here.”

  9. calli Avatar

    Service guarantees citizenship, ya know!

    Very, very good.

    Top stuff Mater!

  10. FlyingPigs Avatar

    Capital City States are preparing for an onslaught from the hinterland to capture toilet paper.

    VikPol trained squads have been set up on all major highways into Capital City States to stop the filth coming near you.

    Citizens, The Law is working for you.

  11. Top Ender Avatar
    Top Ender

    Well written!

  12. Old School Conservative Avatar
    Old School Conservative

    It’s time for Mater to set up an Ozzie version of the Bee.

  13. Knuckle Dragger Avatar
    Knuckle Dragger

    Liability Bob!

    Get in here!

  14. Maman Avatar

    Tow Mater, (laughing emoji with tears running down cheeks!) Beautiful, just beautiful!

    It all just makes “SO” much sense when The Age reports “The Queen delivered an emotionally charged and highly political call to arms to world leaders” … wearing a green dress!

    And the photo of Macron, on the front page of The Australian, with the “2021” backdrop, has him shaking his clenched fists and hair styled in the typical Napoleon Bonaparte “comb forward”.

  15. Dot Avatar

    Es ist Zeit für sauberen!

    Wir müssen die Unvaxxeden ausrotten!

  16. caveman Avatar

    I thought it sounded like a Bee, well done. Parody is reality now days.

  17. Rex Anger Avatar
    Rex Anger

    Liability Bob!

    Get in here!

    If anything would sucker our old friend into trying to post here, this would be it…

  18. Megan Avatar

    As the young, about to be conscripted, cohort of digital natives would say…Mic drop!

    A classic for the ages, Mater.

  19. thefrollickingmole Avatar

    Service guarantees citizenship, ya know!”

    What you did there. I saw it.

    Just needs a casual “would you like to know more” dropped in..

  20. Delta A Avatar
    Delta A

    Please don’t let our ‘leaders’ see this. They would support it in a flash.

    Brilliant work, Mater.

  21. Intractable Avatar

    This kind of satire requires a sunset clause.
    When revisited in 2022, this will be a “Breaking: Exclusive!”

  22. Roger W Avatar
    Roger W

    Well, I seem to remember that, back in the time of the Iran/Iraq war in the ’80s, Iran found that children were very good at clearing minefields…

  23. Eddystone Avatar

    Children were good enough to go down coal mines and up chimneys.

    They’re good enough to use as lab rats to test the long term effects of novel treatments for Big Pharma.

    Why shouldn’t the little free loaders pick up a tent peg bayonet and defend our wonderful politicians way of life?

  24. Lee Avatar

    Don’t give the POS of a PM ideas!

  25. TPL001 Avatar

    Choice. Well written! This should go on the front page of the Heald-Sun! That would wake them!

    But this is a bit unfair to the vaxxed, because everyone will realise that it is the vaxxed who are the carriers of new strains. They are the BWCs!
    ““Plans to enlist the ‘unvaccinated’ represents a clear violation of the Biological Weapons Convention”

  26. Miss Anthropist Avatar
    Miss Anthropist

    Great idea.
    Just needs a bit of tweaking.

  27. bespoke Avatar


  28. bespoke Avatar

    They’re good enough to use as lab rats to test the long term effects of novel treatments for Big Pharma.

    Have been for years with Ritalin and now puberty blockers.

  29. Shy Ted Avatar
    Shy Ted

    To be known as the Convid Corpse. (Yes, I know how to spell corps).

  30. duncanm Avatar

    Close, but Morro would say “we are not mandating military service”, then stand idly by while the states form their own armies and conscript.

  31. Chris Avatar

    I regret I have but one wife to give for my country.

  32. Chris M Avatar
    Chris M

    Daniel Andrews welcomes the conscription to fight for the spread of communism. He also supports the principle of a heavily armed Viktorian population. It will be Gaia and Dan’s first solar powered army!

  33. Winston Smith Avatar


    Well, I seem to remember that, back in the time of the Iran/Iraq war in the ’80s, Iran found that children were very good at clearing minefields…

    One of the girls I worked with had escaped from that particular shithole and remarked the youngsters weren’t always heavy enough to set off the land mines, so they got them to wear weighted jackets…

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